Broken and mended

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Assalamualaikum wbt..

I guess it has been quite a while now since the last post, dated September 2nd. Not that I was very busy or anything. Still a lot of catching up to do but hello anyway... here I am! Alhamdulillah, finally managed to grab the pieces together to let out all these words out of my head.

Two months since 16 September, the date my beloved Ibu passed away in our care at Hospital Angkatan Tentera (HAT) Tuanku Mizan Zainal Abidin, Wangsa Maju. Died after many many months of tears being shed, and also blood. It has taken me these two long months to discover that even how much we love Ibu, Allah's love to her is above all.

He has taken her, to be blissfully wrapped in His rahmah, watching us from the unknown distance. Smiling her beautiful smile for being called upon to reunite with the Almighty in eternal happiness.

"Dan jangan sekali-kali engkau menyangka orang-orang yang terbunuh (yang gugur syahid) pada jalan Allah itu mati, (mereka tidak mati) bahkan mereka adalah hidup (secara istimewa) di sisi Tuhan mereka dengan mendapat rezeki" -Ali Imran: 169 

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As for me, that one date felt unreal. She had a very high boiling fever that night and all of us stayed by her side until morning. We never knew she will be gone in a few hours. After getting the doctor's confirmation, the situation has been crystal clear. My head was spinning, like being put from a different place to a whole new strange location in a single blink. I contacted the other relatives and friends.

Then everything moved so fast, people hurrying everywhere. "Takpe Fatin, this is not the end of everything", this thought played again and again in my head as adrenaline took over the rest of my body, allowing me to help Ayah in handling the important things on the coming days without bothering to indulge myself with enough food.

I know that something very deeply important has been taken from me, but I just cannot break yet at that moment. At least not while there were so many relatives and friends coming over and offering us their kind condolences and support. It's like I have been reminded again by Allah how we are never alone. That He will always find ways to deliver His love and compassion to accompany us through hard times.

The many hugs that I receive on that day from my friends somehow calmed me. I felt it, love. Thank you Allah. And thank you to everyone who came from many places (even from Perak!) to show support and believed in me more than ever. And my schoolmates from Maahad also showered us with their prayers.. I am not that strong you know, but all of your effort moved me beyond my limits. Love you guys so much!  

     

"Fatin kot, dia sedih dia merajuk orang memang tak tau. dia mmg kuat. semoga family dia kuat :( " - dated 16 september.

I'm not that strong. But I guess I am good at pretending to be strong.
 

Some things are just so hard to explain, they get rooted deep within and you cannot say a word without making yourself hurt. So I chose to be quiet and let everything sink in. And cry in silence without anyone noticing, each time her once-in-a-while proud smile came into my mind. How I yearn to have more of that. Watching those we love suffer is painful already, but not able to do anything to ease it? That is waaay unbearable for me.

I knew the day would arrive, and once in a while the thought of her laying at the hospital while I was away just came with silent tears. However, the knowledge that Ibu is now content relieve my pained memories of the hardship and blows she went through. Yes, she had gone through a lot which made her become who she was. A bold and resilient woman. It's not a coincidence that the different tests in life are suited to challenge our weakest point, so that we will take every effort to endure them with our flesh and soul until we have been purified.

Purified, once we have overcome the difficulties while holding on to Allah swt as the source of strength, and learning to improve ourselves from that point. Knowing that she has managed to go through the tests Allah has cast for His believers with all that she can, filled my heart with warmth and gratitude.

Allah, please reward every single spot of compassion that she own as a mother, because she has taught me so much. Aminn Ya Rabb :")

Crying is okay, just do not crumble.
Because we still have Him.

My heartbeat

The moment I got my internship offer, somehow I knew that this was the perfect opportunity compared to the other places, and texted my family members.

"Ibu, Fatin dapat offer kat PETRONAS KLCC! :) :) "

" Alhamdulillah, buat yang terbaik"

KLCC is just a few LRT stops from Wangsa Maju, so this means that I also can stay at the hospital everyday to accompany Ibu, which we did by alternating turns among Ayah, Hanna and myself since early this year. 7 months. That's how long we have camped at the hospital. Farah also stayed during weekends.

Previously, I was sooo enthusiastic about going for internship at Kerteh where there are many huge processing plants and places to explore (compared to an office) but realizing her condition, I know that I should stay by her side, night and day. Seeing her relief as I finally secured a placement in Kuala Lumpur made me feel very teary and happy. I guess she realized that her time is almost up, so that me being in Kuala Lumpur to be reunited with my family was kind of her secret plan all along without me even knowing it..

Moving on without neglecting the past...

So this is how long I took to write back in this place, which is filled with her memories of the past, after so long struggling to express myself. In the end, we have to admit that there are some parts in life that are completely out of our control. We seek and we plan for what is to become, but we just cannot overrule the fact that His plan is bigger than any of our dreams.

The best way is to understand that it has happened, get through it and work by ourselves from that turning point. With faith. All that matters is to try our very best. I don't know what will happen in the future, but I guess it's kinda too early to get the picture now unless we go on and take the few first steps. Even how small it is. Keep moving forward.

And that is what I intend to do.

It has already been my 10th week of internship with the Materials, Corrosion and Inspection team. (Almost halfway through already!!) Gosh so many things to get done, with reports and the upcoming presentation to my UTP supervisor. Hours spent sitting in the office.

Nonetheless, everything is very pleasant so far and I really like my colleagues here. The warm surrounding and chit chat help to make my working hours enjoyable. Not forgetting afterwards, going back and spending the other half of my day being a full time domestic housewife. It's something that I find relaxing, to spend some solitary time doing the chores and cleaning. Upmost credit goes to the greatest Master Chef in the house, Ayah of course. ;)

Finally, some shout out to my sisters, Hanna and Farah, for being truly strong companions by my side.. You girls are the best!!! I love so much the time we spent together just hanging out and talking. Hanna being my best friend since.. the day she was born, like 15 months after me.The one who knows my crazies and what-nots like the back of her hand. And Farah, a thirteen year old girl who will continue to grow and learn life's ups and downs.

I still have some duties left though to be carried out, among them to let my sisters know of the amazing woman we had as our mother and the legacy we have running in our blood. Farah may be too young to realize how the final days of Ibu's presence totally delivered a priceless hikmah to us.

Despite our commitments for studies and Ayah's for his work, we managed to stick together and stay with her, tending to her needs as best as we can. Allah has granted us, her daughters, an opportunity of a lifetime to pamper and love Ibu just like how she cared for us when we were a baby and unable to do anything by ourselves. This precious lesson is so clear, that sometimes the suffering of our loved ones is a test inflicted upon us too, indirectly. Allah knew we were ready to accept this. And I'm so thankful we got to show Ibu that we will always be there for her.

And love her for the person she was...
Al-fatihah...

Us. Me and my two angels ;)
Fatin Filzati . Hanna Fatihah . Farah Wahidah

So don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine 

And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high, the water's rough, but this love is ours..

-- Ours